To the guy that walked away again...
You are a fool. An idiot.
You said you wanted another chance and against everything in me I gave in. We had fun. We laughed. And we had more fun. You apologized over and over. You said you wouldn't do it again. In fact, you promised. I hoped - even when I knew I shouldn't. It is what you and I do it seems.
And you walked away again.
When you look back you will see that yes, I'm still here where you last saw me. But each time you look back I get smarter. Harder. I am not still here where you left me because I am crying or even waiting for you. You didn't affect me that much so please do not think that. I'm still here where you left me because I am confident in who I am and where I am. I am okay, because I have to be. Because I've always had to be. I gave you a second chance when I give no second chances because I trusted you again. I believed what you said because I wanted to not because I had to.
Continue looking back my blue-eyed Colorado guy. Remind yourself what you walked away from again and what has been lost. I am not sure any reasoning or excuse will get you a third chance or will ever result in anything more than a distant friend.
See...what you do not see is this woman doesn't need you. I make my own money. I have my own life. I do not have a desire to jump in head first nor did I ever even have a thought of that. I'd never monopolize your time. I had no desire to change you nor did I ever request anything from you. I liked you as you were, flaws and perfections. See...what you missed about this woman was very simple. I do not need a guy but dammit it would be really nice to WANT to need a guy and that is the one thing that will always separate me from others.
Maybe I am too independent for you. Or maybe I am too laid back and not controlling as you are used to from your previous relationship. Maybe you are scared. Maybe you are too weak for me. Maybe it bothered you that I didn't need you or maybe your ex-wife called again to manipulate you. Who really knows. It isn't my issue. It is yours.
Mr. Walk Away, you may have walked away for the last time. You will look back and see what was left on the table but it is too little and much, much too late. I value myself too much and time is easily wasted on the wrong person. I would never trust you with any part of my life, my heart or my soul. That second chance you repeatedly asked for should have reminded you of what you missed the first time. What you said you realized and what let you know that you had messed up. Remember - it wasn't me that contacted you the second time. It wasn't me that asked for another chance. You should have held on this time and for once in your life taken a chance. It may not have lasted forever but it would have been one hell of a ride. That I can promise you.
You missed the chance Mr. Walk Away.
You are a fool. An idiot.
Monday, April 18, 2016
Thursday, August 20, 2015
The D Word...Again
I am sad for many reasons...sad that I have to post this blog in an attempt to quash rumors that I really do not care about, but I have children and step-children.
Sad that I have to write this post at all because I was too blind and too forgiving to see what was really in front of me.
Sad that I have to write this post and admit the way I was manipulated and lied to for 15 months of my life and didn't realize it until 5 months ago.
Sad that I, once again, am getting divorced. Yes. The D word. You know that saying "Fools Rush In"? That was me. Hook. Line. Sinker.
Why am I getting a divorce from someone that has a long standing enlisted career with the military I am asked. Why am I getting a divorce from someone that takes such good care of himself I am asked. Why would I leave a new home and a new marriage so quickly I am asked.
Let me say this first and foremost - what goes on behind closed doors is an entirely different picture than fake smiles, fake hugs and fake social gatherings.
My husband is not a husband. He never was. I was manipulated into marrying quickly under the guise of him being deployed. Unbeknownst to me he knew he wasn't deploying when we got married. I didn't. Oh - but the other two women in his life did.
Second blow of the new marriage? 8 days in I received a call from one of those other two women in his life informing me he had a son he didn't tell me about. 8 days into a marriage I gained a 17 year old step-son that I truly love with all of my heart. I am so thankful that his mother raised him into such an amazing young man without the assistance of my husband, who had not seen this son in 9 years. I embraced it - what could I do. I worked with his mother and flew him here from Panama for my husband's Christmas gift. It was a great time and he truly is an amazing young man, as his mother is truly an amazing person.
Third blow of the marriage? Within a month of being married one of those two women claimed to be pregnant. She claimed to be emotionally distraught - so much in fact she drove her vehicle into the back of a semi and then called my husband to come to her, 6 hours away. No. I am not joking. Yes. I wish I was.
The continual blow? Said above woman wouldn't leave me alone. For almost 13 months I have been terrorized via email, phone and texting. Block her you say? I tried...she is blocked. She opened new email accounts. She uses some BS app that Verizon and Apple cannot block. Believe me...I have tried.
More? Okay. The constant hiding of his phone...it was super glued to his hand, even when he peed his phone was with him. There was no history of texts, calls or emails. He would "wipe" it clean constantly.
The final blow? Me being ill. Him "forgetting" about the appointments. His various "flings" messaging me on Facebook asking if we were divorced and still texting him after I would reply I am sorry - who is this? We are not divorced. How do you know him?
Yes...I moved out. Without telling him. I had movers come in while he was at work so he couldn't manipulate me into staying. Yes...I filed for divorce. Yes...I am done with his self-serving, lying, cheating, manipulative ass.
Yes...I am hurt and he continues to hurt me, just because he can. That is his MO you see...tear someone down and make them think they need you. Unfortunately for him, he met his match in this strong, independent woman who wouldn't conform to the quiet do as I say not as I do give me an open marriage it will be fun person. I didn't and do not need him and that was why he chose to do what he did. No mistake - it was not that I didn't want him - I just didn't need him. I am successful and very capable of taking care of myself. It was that I didn't need to rely on him for his income or any other bullshit reason he threw at me.
For almost a year I didn't watch television or listen to music I liked because he would get pissed off and threaten to leave. Sorry neighbors - but I blare Eminem and whatever else I feel like blaring randomly to cleanse my soul. I am caught up on OTNB, The Walking Dead and several other shows I would have never watched in my lifetime had I not been so restricted in my "loving" marriage.
To the Diannas, Sheilas, Christinas, Amys, Catherines etc - just say a name - I am sure he has slept with you: I pity you for thinking he is something he isn't. You are in for a ride - and not a fun one.
So that is it...all rumors quashed, or fueled, as the case may be. I am sure as long as a leopard never changes spots he will scream to the world that this is all my fault. And you know what? I am okay with that.
I am okay.
Sad that I have to write this post at all because I was too blind and too forgiving to see what was really in front of me.
Sad that I have to write this post and admit the way I was manipulated and lied to for 15 months of my life and didn't realize it until 5 months ago.
Sad that I, once again, am getting divorced. Yes. The D word. You know that saying "Fools Rush In"? That was me. Hook. Line. Sinker.
Why am I getting a divorce from someone that has a long standing enlisted career with the military I am asked. Why am I getting a divorce from someone that takes such good care of himself I am asked. Why would I leave a new home and a new marriage so quickly I am asked.
Let me say this first and foremost - what goes on behind closed doors is an entirely different picture than fake smiles, fake hugs and fake social gatherings.
My husband is not a husband. He never was. I was manipulated into marrying quickly under the guise of him being deployed. Unbeknownst to me he knew he wasn't deploying when we got married. I didn't. Oh - but the other two women in his life did.
Second blow of the new marriage? 8 days in I received a call from one of those other two women in his life informing me he had a son he didn't tell me about. 8 days into a marriage I gained a 17 year old step-son that I truly love with all of my heart. I am so thankful that his mother raised him into such an amazing young man without the assistance of my husband, who had not seen this son in 9 years. I embraced it - what could I do. I worked with his mother and flew him here from Panama for my husband's Christmas gift. It was a great time and he truly is an amazing young man, as his mother is truly an amazing person.
Third blow of the marriage? Within a month of being married one of those two women claimed to be pregnant. She claimed to be emotionally distraught - so much in fact she drove her vehicle into the back of a semi and then called my husband to come to her, 6 hours away. No. I am not joking. Yes. I wish I was.
The continual blow? Said above woman wouldn't leave me alone. For almost 13 months I have been terrorized via email, phone and texting. Block her you say? I tried...she is blocked. She opened new email accounts. She uses some BS app that Verizon and Apple cannot block. Believe me...I have tried.
More? Okay. The constant hiding of his phone...it was super glued to his hand, even when he peed his phone was with him. There was no history of texts, calls or emails. He would "wipe" it clean constantly.
The final blow? Me being ill. Him "forgetting" about the appointments. His various "flings" messaging me on Facebook asking if we were divorced and still texting him after I would reply I am sorry - who is this? We are not divorced. How do you know him?
Yes...I moved out. Without telling him. I had movers come in while he was at work so he couldn't manipulate me into staying. Yes...I filed for divorce. Yes...I am done with his self-serving, lying, cheating, manipulative ass.
Yes...I am hurt and he continues to hurt me, just because he can. That is his MO you see...tear someone down and make them think they need you. Unfortunately for him, he met his match in this strong, independent woman who wouldn't conform to the quiet do as I say not as I do give me an open marriage it will be fun person. I didn't and do not need him and that was why he chose to do what he did. No mistake - it was not that I didn't want him - I just didn't need him. I am successful and very capable of taking care of myself. It was that I didn't need to rely on him for his income or any other bullshit reason he threw at me.
For almost a year I didn't watch television or listen to music I liked because he would get pissed off and threaten to leave. Sorry neighbors - but I blare Eminem and whatever else I feel like blaring randomly to cleanse my soul. I am caught up on OTNB, The Walking Dead and several other shows I would have never watched in my lifetime had I not been so restricted in my "loving" marriage.
To the Diannas, Sheilas, Christinas, Amys, Catherines etc - just say a name - I am sure he has slept with you: I pity you for thinking he is something he isn't. You are in for a ride - and not a fun one.
So that is it...all rumors quashed, or fueled, as the case may be. I am sure as long as a leopard never changes spots he will scream to the world that this is all my fault. And you know what? I am okay with that.
I am okay.
Monday, February 23, 2015
A Memo to the Woman that Slept with My (now ex) Husband
Ms. (Insert every name I've referred to you as) now known as The Other Woman,
As the anniversary of that painful, emotional day looms, lend me your eyes for a moment and let me thank you for opening my eyes wide open. For some time I had been walking around with my eyes wide shut. Not paying attention, trying not to notice the clues. I became a pro at wearing a poker face and no longer letting anyone see the lies that he told were visibly shaking me to my core.
See I loved him. Just as you do I am sure. I believed everything he said and I wanted nothing more than to help him be who he once was, just as I am sure you do. The difference between you and I is that I have never hid from you as you did me that fateful day you were caught in my home. I am sure you heard the sound of me throwing up as I rounded the corner to the garage to flee. I am sure you heard the guttural sounds in the back of my throat as the tears started. I am sure you felt satisfaction that your secret was no longer a secret. I used to hate you. Despise you. I am well aware of the fact that you have followed me to various locations and made sure I noticed you. In response to the question you asked as you bumped into me - yes, I know who you are. I knew who you were then. Be proud you are his girlfriend. I was his wife at the time you asked that question. It didn't matter that I was his wife as much as it doesn't matter that you were and are his girlfriend. You weren't the first affair. I am positive you will not be the last. With that knowledge I no longer hate you or despise you. I no longer pity you either. Neither of you warrant my time and this is the last time I'll speak of you.
Although I give no false pretenses regarding my new marriage I am, finally, okay. I am in a stable relationship with an amazing man. He supports me in everything I do. He is emotionally and mentally stable. He is honorable and well respected. More than that, he would never check his wife in to have an emergency surgery and leave the moment she was taken back - and remain unreachable for almost five hours after the surgery was complete. I hope you enjoyed my bed those two nights I was in the hospital as much as I hope you never have anything like that happen. I know without question my husband would never treat me as the husband that never was treated me in those few days. That is exactly who you are with. Who you think hangs the moon.
Karma has a way of biting hard. Patience is amazing in this case and karma is being served. I am thankful the universe is allowing me to see karma served on a silver platter from a safe distance. I feel no ill will towards either of you but I certainly do not feel even the slightest sadness in his recent health issues, or yours, for that matter. I hope you are both able to overcome them - maybe even together so he doesn't leave you alone in the hospital to entertain the other woman or women in his life.
Ms. The Other Woman, I'd like to thank you for that day. For the raw pain it caused. For the wake up call it caused. For the finality it caused. You are not a home wrecker. There was no home to wreck. Just a house of lies and betrayal. Allow me, on this day, to thank you for Giving me the chance to now what love is. What stability is. How a marriage should truly be. Allow me to thank you for opening my eyes and sending me running. I now have an amazing job with a high salary managing millions in property. I have an amazing husband that not only loves me but respects me and our vows. Without that day I would have none of this. Yes, I really am thanking you. I know who you are with. I know who you sleep with. I know what who you wake up with. Although I try not to feel sorry for you it creeps in at times.
My only parting words to you are to question hard what was introduced in court that you have not seen. Ask to see the photos, the screenshots and what he testified to under oath. Question why he stumbled over his words and why he became so irate and embarrassed. Thank you for saving me from all of that. Really, thank you. In some ways I owe you big.
Sincerely,
Always Grateful
As the anniversary of that painful, emotional day looms, lend me your eyes for a moment and let me thank you for opening my eyes wide open. For some time I had been walking around with my eyes wide shut. Not paying attention, trying not to notice the clues. I became a pro at wearing a poker face and no longer letting anyone see the lies that he told were visibly shaking me to my core.
See I loved him. Just as you do I am sure. I believed everything he said and I wanted nothing more than to help him be who he once was, just as I am sure you do. The difference between you and I is that I have never hid from you as you did me that fateful day you were caught in my home. I am sure you heard the sound of me throwing up as I rounded the corner to the garage to flee. I am sure you heard the guttural sounds in the back of my throat as the tears started. I am sure you felt satisfaction that your secret was no longer a secret. I used to hate you. Despise you. I am well aware of the fact that you have followed me to various locations and made sure I noticed you. In response to the question you asked as you bumped into me - yes, I know who you are. I knew who you were then. Be proud you are his girlfriend. I was his wife at the time you asked that question. It didn't matter that I was his wife as much as it doesn't matter that you were and are his girlfriend. You weren't the first affair. I am positive you will not be the last. With that knowledge I no longer hate you or despise you. I no longer pity you either. Neither of you warrant my time and this is the last time I'll speak of you.
Although I give no false pretenses regarding my new marriage I am, finally, okay. I am in a stable relationship with an amazing man. He supports me in everything I do. He is emotionally and mentally stable. He is honorable and well respected. More than that, he would never check his wife in to have an emergency surgery and leave the moment she was taken back - and remain unreachable for almost five hours after the surgery was complete. I hope you enjoyed my bed those two nights I was in the hospital as much as I hope you never have anything like that happen. I know without question my husband would never treat me as the husband that never was treated me in those few days. That is exactly who you are with. Who you think hangs the moon.
Karma has a way of biting hard. Patience is amazing in this case and karma is being served. I am thankful the universe is allowing me to see karma served on a silver platter from a safe distance. I feel no ill will towards either of you but I certainly do not feel even the slightest sadness in his recent health issues, or yours, for that matter. I hope you are both able to overcome them - maybe even together so he doesn't leave you alone in the hospital to entertain the other woman or women in his life.
Ms. The Other Woman, I'd like to thank you for that day. For the raw pain it caused. For the wake up call it caused. For the finality it caused. You are not a home wrecker. There was no home to wreck. Just a house of lies and betrayal. Allow me, on this day, to thank you for Giving me the chance to now what love is. What stability is. How a marriage should truly be. Allow me to thank you for opening my eyes and sending me running. I now have an amazing job with a high salary managing millions in property. I have an amazing husband that not only loves me but respects me and our vows. Without that day I would have none of this. Yes, I really am thanking you. I know who you are with. I know who you sleep with. I know what who you wake up with. Although I try not to feel sorry for you it creeps in at times.
My only parting words to you are to question hard what was introduced in court that you have not seen. Ask to see the photos, the screenshots and what he testified to under oath. Question why he stumbled over his words and why he became so irate and embarrassed. Thank you for saving me from all of that. Really, thank you. In some ways I owe you big.
Sincerely,
Always Grateful
Thursday, October 16, 2014
The Vow
John and I were married quietly among friends and family last weekend. We chose to write our own vows. Powerful. Emotional. Unforgettable. Below are mine. Perhaps someday I will share his.
The Vow
John from the moment I met you I have been caught in a whirlwind. From the first flash of your dimples and the first sparkle I caught in your amazing eyes on our first date, I was lost.
The Vow
John from the moment I met you I have been caught in a whirlwind. From the first flash of your dimples and the first sparkle I caught in your amazing eyes on our first date, I was lost.
I knew from that first date that you were someone I wanted in my life. By June you became someone I needed in my life.
So many people in this world go through life not finding their soul mate. The person they need. I know I am one of the lucky few. I have found my soul mate. All that we have overcome so far has only made us stronger. All that we will overcome together will show our strength as one.
I am complete. As one and as a family with our children: Nickolas, Alexia, Evan and Bridger, we are complete. My family is your family and your family is my family We truly have completed the circle our rings represent today.
I promise to always love you, cherish you and protect you. I promise to always shelter you and allow you to shelter me - even when I act like I do not want you to. I also, no laughs please, promise to hold my tongue and first cause no harm with my words. I promise to sit beside you and endure Flight of the Conchords and Trailer Park Boys, even when I do not want to.
I promise to support you in all you do and to always tell you I love you and ensure you know I love you through my actions. I love you.
Thursday, September 11, 2014
Full Circle
An engagement ring was recently placed on my finger. A gorgeous setting to say the least. It is truly beautiful. With the placement of that ring came a strong commitment. One that will prove we are committed to each other completely and will face everything together, head on.
With the placement of that ring also came deep thoughts of being here before. Of knowing what was so right and not so right last time I was engaged. It brought deep thoughts of what the ring symbolizes and stands for. A circle wrapped around my finger, no breaks and no cracks. A solid circle for infinity. Just as the diamonds in it are virtually indestructible so is my faith, loyalty and love to this amazing person that has found his way into my life. Knowing what we have already overcame together shows we will overcome anything, together, side by side.
With this ring we have come full circle.
With the placement of that ring also came deep thoughts of being here before. Of knowing what was so right and not so right last time I was engaged. It brought deep thoughts of what the ring symbolizes and stands for. A circle wrapped around my finger, no breaks and no cracks. A solid circle for infinity. Just as the diamonds in it are virtually indestructible so is my faith, loyalty and love to this amazing person that has found his way into my life. Knowing what we have already overcame together shows we will overcome anything, together, side by side.
With this ring we have come full circle.
Friday, September 5, 2014
In An Instant
I have always been acutely aware of how quickly life can change. One moment you can be living in your happily ever after and the next moment loathe the very person you thought was your prince. You can speak to someone in your life and the next moment they are gone. In an instant. One second. One moment. It all changes.
Misperceptions, misunderstandings, misgivings. Whatever the case may be. You always need to be aware of what is truly going on. Everything can change in that one moment you choose to ignore. That one moment you choose to not follow your gut. That one moment you choose not to listen to the voice telling you to do or not do something.
You never get back that moment. That second chance to undo what has been done or said or the lack of what was said. Everything changes. You have that moment to say I love you. You have that moment to say I am sorry. You have that moment to forgive. You have that moment to wrap a person in your arms and let them know someone cares.
In our darkest hours we show our truest colors. You never truly love someone if you cannot accept the deep flaws that come with that person. You never truly love someone if you cannot accept them as they are and encourage them to become better as they encourage you to become better. You never truly love someone if you cannot take them with the highs and lows of this crazy thing called life. Find a person that is financially or emotionally ruined; or hungry, whether for food or for love and affection, and you will see their true colors. Are you strong enough, in that instant moment, to hold out your hand?
It is in that moment, in that instant, that you make or break what is believed.
Misperceptions, misunderstandings, misgivings. Whatever the case may be. You always need to be aware of what is truly going on. Everything can change in that one moment you choose to ignore. That one moment you choose to not follow your gut. That one moment you choose not to listen to the voice telling you to do or not do something.
You never get back that moment. That second chance to undo what has been done or said or the lack of what was said. Everything changes. You have that moment to say I love you. You have that moment to say I am sorry. You have that moment to forgive. You have that moment to wrap a person in your arms and let them know someone cares.
In our darkest hours we show our truest colors. You never truly love someone if you cannot accept the deep flaws that come with that person. You never truly love someone if you cannot accept them as they are and encourage them to become better as they encourage you to become better. You never truly love someone if you cannot take them with the highs and lows of this crazy thing called life. Find a person that is financially or emotionally ruined; or hungry, whether for food or for love and affection, and you will see their true colors. Are you strong enough, in that instant moment, to hold out your hand?
It is in that moment, in that instant, that you make or break what is believed.
Tuesday, August 26, 2014
My Family
I have so many memories from my childhood that I will always cherish. 99% of them include my cousins and my grandparents. We loved then and we love now. Although not as close as we all once were, we still love each other. That is how we were raised. Never fight but if you do always forgive.
We've grown up and have our lives, many spread far away, yet we still love. The way of our world.
As I think of making new memories with loved ones in my life I smile, remembering the love and laughter as a child. I smile knowing we were and are so loved. I smile knowing how fortunate I was to be raised as I was in the family I was raised in. Cousins abound. I may need to be corrected but I believe it was a total of 17 cousins, myself included. That in itself is amazing. I look at my cousins' Facebook pages and realize how many second cousins I have, correct me here too, but I believe I have 43 second cousins on my father's side. My family is large and they love large. All held together by my amazing and wonderful Grandmother, Barbara.
I can only strive, in the end, to be as she is and to wish my children had the amazing cousins and childhood I had. To grow without worry and love and laugh and play without abandon. Family is, in its entirety, all we have when it is said and done.
Make new memories. Make new friends. Welcome people with open arms and love and laugh. Live. But never forget where you started and what shaped you.
As my Aunt Bobbie always said "Remember who you are". I am fortunate to never forget, Aunt Bobbie.
We've grown up and have our lives, many spread far away, yet we still love. The way of our world.
As I think of making new memories with loved ones in my life I smile, remembering the love and laughter as a child. I smile knowing we were and are so loved. I smile knowing how fortunate I was to be raised as I was in the family I was raised in. Cousins abound. I may need to be corrected but I believe it was a total of 17 cousins, myself included. That in itself is amazing. I look at my cousins' Facebook pages and realize how many second cousins I have, correct me here too, but I believe I have 43 second cousins on my father's side. My family is large and they love large. All held together by my amazing and wonderful Grandmother, Barbara.
I can only strive, in the end, to be as she is and to wish my children had the amazing cousins and childhood I had. To grow without worry and love and laugh and play without abandon. Family is, in its entirety, all we have when it is said and done.
Make new memories. Make new friends. Welcome people with open arms and love and laugh. Live. But never forget where you started and what shaped you.
As my Aunt Bobbie always said "Remember who you are". I am fortunate to never forget, Aunt Bobbie.
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